Please Give Me Guidance

I have started four different autobiographical narratives. As a very linear, finish-one-thing-before-starting-another type of writer, I have literally typed myself into a corner. In my college composition class, I teach that the title and the first sentence(s) of a piece establishes an impression that will either set the bar high or low for the reader. 

So, in the name of practicing what I preach, here are the first sentences and the titles of the fours pieces marinating in my Google files. I would appreciate you voting in the comments on which piece I should direct my energy toward. 

 1) The normalization of same-day-delivery has added a layer of fucked-up-edness to the already fucked up process of online dating -- "Same Day Romance" 

 2) The cacophancy of Minion cackling signals my mom has a text message. Mom picks up her phone, taps, pinches, and spreads the screen. Drawing the phone closer to her face she nearly squeals, "What the fuck is that?" -- "Whiplash Snake Freakout" 

 3) I can’t say I have no desire to find love, but at this point of my marathon singlehood, I have zero, zero desire to get married. I don’t want to even co-habitate with another human being. I can live where I want, decorate it how I want, clean or not clean it whenever I want. No compromise. None. Nada. But surprisingly, as I barrel through midlife with crisis in tow, a few of my sexual and emotional needs have hitched a ride with the sleepless nights, moodswings, temperature swings, achy joints and low energy. -- "Harem" or "The Formula" Or "Piece Meal" (also need help on a title for this one). 

 4) To quote Edgar Allen Poe: “It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me.” Maybe the idea first entered when my sister texted the address of my nephew’s basketball tournament: 16067 S. Euclid Ave. Maybe it entered when my best friend texted, “Being out here is so surreal.” But once I conceived driving up to my childhood neighborhood and home, I had to just fucking do it. -- "Going Home" 

 What do you think? Tell me in the comments. Please and thank you.