Tuesday, August 7, 2012

An Emerging Market: Cougars

Dear Apple,

I realize that you are taking over the world. You lure us with cute pictures and the illusion that you are saving us time (try completing a task without your cellphone or computer within reach and you'll see just how much "time" technology is saving you). You promise convenience and efficiency. But the most seductive thing about your product? It's pretty and easy.

Instead of worrying about things like words and being burdened with texting complete sentences, you provide cute, little icons for users to make their communication both clear and quick. I no longer have to deny anyone a moment without the honor--the need-- to interact with me.

I can text a birthday cake instead of "happy birthday" (also helps avoid the unanswerable grammatical question of whether or not or even how "happy birthday" should be capitalized).  I can text a thumbs-up for "that sounds great!" or "I agree." At the end of a long Monday, I can choose a pile of poop in response to a "how was your day," and at the end of a Friday, I can text a martini glass. Or the hypodermic needle.

And I have to thank you for the egg-in-frying pan icon when I need to send a text about breakfast. Or to present what age, blogging, and too many drugs in high school has done to my brain.

And who doesn't need a picture of an eggplant in his or her daily communication? Oh, and Apple, thanks so much for the hedgehog, the nose, and the ghost with the eye patch.

But Apple is sorely neglecting a market: Cougars. We are adapting to texting as a main mode of communication to accommodate our twenty-something interests, but the age gap does bring about some problems. Therefore, Apple, I need you to please add these icons to iPhone 5.

I need a in place of "please, don't send me naked pictures." 

I need one of these to indicate that I don't send naked picture.

(Well, maybe for $.)

And I definitely need one of these so that my potential suitor knows that I don't put out on the first date.

If my request comes too late for the iPhone 5, I suppose I can use a thumbs down + the camera + the eggplant in place of "please don't sent me picture of your penis," but that's three things I have to tap! So, Apple, I'd hop on it because my next letter will be to Android.


Cougars of America

P.S. Trust me when I say that we have more power than the NRA.


  1. Too funny. I'm open to naked pictures if the person sending them is gorgeous. Yeah...I'm that shallow. But cougars rule!

  2. LOL, I wasn't aware naked penis pics were so abundant on the iPhones of the world. Meanwhile, I suppose the reverse must also come into play - that one would *want* naked penis pics and isn't getting enough of them (or any)! Pay attention, Apple - your constituency has spoken.
    Some Dark Romantic

  3. To take emoticons to the next level, coming soon from Apple: The iPenis (tm) -- available in muted designer colors!

    Early reviews:

    "Looks great, but it becomes completely flaccid at critical moments, and it takes forever to reboot..."

    "I guess it's OK, but I can't figure out where to insert the ear buds..."


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