Wednesday, July 9, 2014

"You Don't Have to Be Naked to Be Sexy"--Nicole Kidman

I decided to take a break from dating several months ago and have been enjoying my sabbatical. I find I like men better when I don't date them.  

I have no doubt that the problem was (is) me.  When online dating and sexting exploded onto the scene, I was in a serious relationship.  My ex and I would send dirty texts, but more in the name shits-and-giggles than foreplay.  So, when I re-entered the dating scene at 38, not only was online dating and sexting the new way to court but also cougars were the objects of said courting.  For a while, my ego relished in these 20-something young bucks clamoring at my heels, but after a while new dating etiquette began to frustrate and confuse me.  One thing that made me nuts were the naked-selfies that I not only received (I could publish my own Playgirl with all the penises I've been sent) but were also asked for on a regular basis.  I never sent one man a naked picture of myself and it had absolutely nothing to do with how I felt about my body.

Do women enjoy being told we are beautiful?  Of course. Does it make us feel good to be categorized as sexy? Absolutely.  Does that mean we want to send you a naughty picture and/or talk dirty to any guy that asks for it? No. And to assume that that is the exception and not the rule is insulting.

Women are willing to capture and share their nudity on film for three basic reasons: to please their partner with whom they have established a relationship with, to compensate for their lack of self-esteem, or for a paycheck.  I am not suggesting that women who are proud of their bodies and show them off at every opportunity have no self-esteem, but if she's doing it in the name of being accepted by the opposite sex, I see that as a big problem.  Just because he wants it ladies, doesn't men he should get it.  

And to those who do it for a paycheck: good for you.  At least you’re acknowledging that your body isn’t up for grabs to whoever wants to see it.  You are acknowledging your body is valuable in a language all will understand.  

Women who will not engage in sexting with men they don’t know very well or aren't in a relationship with are not “uptight” or “prudes” or “melodramatic." They just happen to have some integrity.

So, when a man who I’ve either never met in person or who I’ve only been on a date or two with suddenly wants me to start sending naked pictures and talking dirty, you know how that makes me feel? Like an object. Like a prostitute.  Let me take that back, offering to pay me to send you a naked picture or talk dirty to you would make me feel less used—less objectified.  Hell, I might even be flattered a bit. At least that way, the john is acknowledging that what I got ain't for free.I don’t get anything—except for a sense of shame-- out of sending naked pictures of myself to acquaintances, or in more cases than not, near strangers. My self-worth is not based on who does (or does not) want to fuck me or see me naked.  To me, access to my body is a privilege; something has to be earned in one way or another.  That doesn’t mean that you have to love me or that I have to love you, but I do need a relationship established outside the perimeters of WiFi.

I choose to teach high school instead of wire my mouth shut so I can lose 800 pounds and become a Playboy model; I teach high school instead of setting up a 900 number (or chatroom where nothing dirty is coming your way until you contribute to my bank account).  And just because I’m not willing to hand over my intimate, sexual life to you on a platter just because you want it, doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to fuck you senseless.  That doesn’t mean that with the right guy, who respects me, I am not willing to do things that would make any man blush.

Let me create an analogy. To my understanding, men are sensitive about their finances.  A man’s earnings is something private to him, and he might be a bit sensitive about it because not only women, but the media, link a man’s  worth to how much money he has  in the same way that a woman’s worth is linked to her appearance. 

Now, in the online message/texting phase of a courtship, wouldn’t it be a bit presumptuous for me to ask, “Hey, do you have an extra $100 lying around to send me a dozen roses?” Why would a man who has not found an emotional connection to me, who may think I’m cool and attractive, but really doesn’t know me, want to spend $100 of his hard-earned money on buying me flowers?  

If a man enjoys sending women flowers, regardless of how he feels about them, because it makes him feel accomplished or proud because he can afford to do that, then bonus for me.  And just because he may not want to do that during the fledgling stages of a relationship, that doesn’t mean he never will.  As our relationship grows and my happiness influences his happiness, he’ll enjoy sending me flowers because I love receiving them.  Because he respects me as a person and finds aspects of my character attractive, my appreciation will make him feel good about himself.  But for me to assume that his life’s goal is to make all women happy by sending them flowers is objectifying him.  I am basing his value to me on something that has nothing to do with his character or mine.

So, those women who get a feeling of empowerment or accomplishment by sharing their bodies openly, that’s the same bonus for a man as a man who just likes to send women flowers is to me. But to presume that every woman wants to do that for you just because you tell her she’s hot or send her a few charming emails/texts is arrogant.  It’s the same as if I assume that just because I have big tits every guy is tripping over himself to get to the flower store or make reservations at that five-star restaurant is arrogant.

For that man whose emotional and/or physical pleasure is important to me: I’ll sext you all day long.  I’ll want to send you naked pictures and dirty texts because you enjoy it.  And I give a shit about what makes you happy because you give a shit about what makes me happy. You’ve taken the time and care to listen to what I say, to ask pertinent questions, to make me comfortable to communicate with you. You don’t just assume; you care enough to regard me as an individual with unique needs and wants. Even if those needs and wants only take place in the bedroom. 

Ladies, I hope I've given you a voice on this issue.  Gentlemen, I hope I've given you a little insight.


  1. Any man who asks for a naked picture of a lady that he "cares about" is a jerk - run and run fast.

    There are things that are special between men and women that are shared privately and best, lovingly, that are the finest moments on the planet. When they are reduced to crude behavior, it destroys the essence that makes them wonderful.

  2. Good Points. Unfortunately, the instant gratification generation thrives on the selfie. There is no intrigue, no mystery, only the quick thrill of a poor photo (or not) and the associated assumptions therein. -Brutus-

  3. Interesting perspective from the opposing team!

    I always thought dating would get easier as I got older.

    Boy was I wrong.

    Funny how I experience similar things from the opposite side of the gender equation.

    Something changes when the relationship becomes romantic-not just the obvious things, but honesty goes out the window and it feels like a power struggle...and if the first couple of dates are like that, what's the point?.

    Relationships are a game for the young...I think we all accumulate so much baggage that after forty, they are hard!

  4. Wow. Had no idea that was the current situation in dating land. Can't even imagine a response to someone I've never met in person asking for a naked selfie. Gah. Seriously, though, I've heard complaints from mature women that the proliferation of porn on the internet is skewing sexual attitudes in younger people. Expectations, perhaps, are more crass?? I don't know, I'm probably in over my head here. But, yeah, that would be a turn off for me as it shows a total lack of respect.


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