Yes, gentlemen, your minds (I'll be asking for your bodies in the next post).
To be more specific, I need your dirty minds. Your filthy minds.
No, this isn't a dream. There are no hidden cameras. I have not been hired by any of your wives or girlfriends to entrap you.
But I need to get inside your head. Way up in there. So far up I have a hard time finding my way out.
Guide me. Teach me. Corrupt me.
I need to know how the most childish, perverted side of you would describe a woman's body --any woman's body-- to another man. How does a conceited, smooth, unscrupulous womanizer see a woman? How would he describe having sex with a woman for whom he feels nothing but contempt?
I want the words, the slang. Unleash the inner asshole. Turn him loose . . . turn him loose on me. I want crude, rude, and raw. Offensive.
No, this is not for my sexual gratification (well . . . maybe a little).
This is for a piece I have written called "The Basement" (see review from Garrett Calcaterra at the right). It is one of the very few pieces where I take on a male persona and I want to get it right before I submit. I think I am close, but I think the voice is off a bit. So, some gentlemen feedback, pretty please.
Below is an excerpt. You can comment by suggesting substitutions for my current rhetoric, or if you could just leave me some key phrases or diction that's be great too. I need man language.
Disclaimer: I do not think this is how all men are. I am trying to write the voice of a total dick.
The Basement
She was on him like a cat the moment he walked through the front door: jumping onto his back and clawing at his face. Cursing, Justin reached back, trying to grab her by the hair and yank her forward over his shoulders. He was going to throw the bitch across the room, find the money, and leave. And if she tried to stop him, he would not hesitate to punch her straight in the face.
But then her fingers hooked into his mouth. A chalky, bitterness bounced back into this throat.
“What the fuck!” he barked, shrugging her off of him, he staggered forward. He hunched over, contracting his throat in an effort to cough up whatever she gave him. But it was too late, his coated tongue smacked against the roof of his mouth. Straightening, he turned to bolt, but only managed a few steps before blackness overtook him. As the room jumped and he plummeted, he saw her out of the corner of his eye, her arms crossed over her chest and those painted red lips smiling.
* * *
Justin snapped his fingers in Stan’s face, “What the fuck dude?” He was right in the middle of telling them about how he dissed this chick who was in his Poly Sci 101 class when Stan suddenly straightened up like someone had jammed a stick up his ass and looked passed Justin toward Legends’ entrance.
Twisting at the waist, Justin looked scanned the busy scene. It didn’t take long for him to find the interruption: short, black hair; white skin; black eyeliner an inch thick around her blue eyes, extending out from the corners like she thought she was Cleopatra. Lip piercing in the corner of lower lip, sporting a black hoop. Nose piercing; eyebrow piercing.
Bright red lip-stick.
Fishnet stockings, a short checkered skirt, and a black T-Shirt with the Goth version of that white cat—Hello Kitty?—printed on the front. Great legs: thin and long. Perky tits accentuated by the tight shirt. Justin snickered. Ms. Emo had a chill.
Fishnet stockings, a short checkered skirt, and a black T-Shirt with the Goth version of that white cat—Hello Kitty?—printed on the front. Great legs: thin and long. Perky tits accentuated by the tight shirt. Justin snickered. Ms. Emo had a chill.
Justin leaned over to Kyle and said, “She must be lost. Should we tell her that the cutting party is probably downtown?” Sunday football at Legends sports bar didn’t exactly attract her kind.
I overheard this while sat at a bar:
ReplyDeleteChuck, “You look pleased with yourself.”
Dick, “Nailed Natalie last night.”
“Dog!”
“Tight as a mouse's ear.”
“Sweet.”
“Noisy as hell.”
“Ha!”
“Bitch drenched the f**king bed.”
“A squirter? Way to go, dude.”
“Yea … what time's the game tonight?”
Dick was very direct, not offering any details, simply stating facts that made him and his performance look good in his own eyes.
And Chuck didn't ask any questions. Thinking about this and other conversations, guys who ask questions looking for details, are very often the 'wet-lower-lipped' type. The men you hate shaking hands with. The droolers unable to hide their lust. These men are usually avoided even by Dicks.
Back to the Dick: when describing a woman's body it would largely be left to - great tits, nice arse, and lips that looked fantastic wrapped around his phallus.
(You have no idea just how much I've deleted from this comment! Need to go have a cup of tea. Maybe a lie down.)
I had another thought: your emo girl walking in and distracting the guy - it's not just the shape (breasts, bottom, legs etc) - but also the motion of a woman that will turn Dicks mind to thoughts lascivious. Women who sit by 'leading' with their butts, walk into a room 'leading' with their hips, boobs jostling under flimsy garments etc. Motion. Quite often, they way a woman moves will transform her from ordinary to yummyliscous.
ReplyDeleteI need to disengage lust-mode and write something funny and touching now. Hope some of this has been useful.
Good luck and toodles.
ROFLMAO - I will loan you my husband for an hour or so - the stuff he says is jaw dropping. He doesn't seem to have that filter thing the rest of us have between our brain and our mouth.
ReplyDeleteBut he's funny about it too.
IMHO - I think your character's thoughts are too complex. Shorter, more vulgar and really raw would probably get you there.
You are a dream come true! I'd have to pay big bucks to have phone sex with a woman and talk to her the way you want me to talk to you. LOL
ReplyDeleteFirst off, there's a popular misconception among women that men think of them as sex objects. A blow up doll is a sex object, but what man is going to turn down the real thing for a plastic doll? (Maybe a few REALLY perverted ones!)
We like that you are human, that you have feelings--that maybe you still carry some of your adolescent innocence around with you, and that we can still make you feel a bit uncomfortable when you walk by and feel us leering at you. We are the foxes and you are the chickens , get it? There's an instinctual part of our brain that is just like every other male animal on the planet. This is nature. Ensuring the survival of the species.
The FIRST thing that comes into our heads (meaning the "dick" personality, of course...heh heh)when we meet you is whether we would like to have sex with you. The second thing that comes to mind is whether we might have a CHANCE of having sex with you. Everything else comes after that, including trying to remember your name.
I...er, I mean that dick personality, might look at someone like you, for example, and think she's pretty hot looking. We imagine what the boobies and the ass look like sans clothing, and then what it would be like to put it to you, thinking of how you might react--would you be loud, etc. We may look into your eyes and imagine what looking into your eyes would be like when we are doing the deed with you.
We might look at your hands, and imagine what kind of grip you might have, if you know what I mean. This all occurs before we settle down into some nice "getting to know you" conversation, trying to seem interested in whatever mundane topics that might come up.
This might be a little different type of insight than what you were asking for--but seems to me your are looking to get inside our brains...so there you are.
Of course, I am nothing like that...I'm a warm, sincere, and sensitive type guy. That stuff is just what I've heard in the locker rooms.
Toodles.
I am learning so much from the comments. Keep them coming, gentlemen. (No pun intended.)
ReplyDeleteTo keep your POV character realistic, don't over-simplify him. Yes, he can be a misogynist dick, but he should have some sort of internal rationale justifying these sort of attitudes to himself. He thinks it's okay to do and say these sorts of things, and the psychological underpinning of this mindset should trickle through in the narrative.
ReplyDeleteI'd venture to guess that most guys who fit this bill have serious problems with their own confidence. They resort to demeaning women to try and elevate their own self worth. So when he talks about women, the words he uses should be condescending, patronizing terms. Take a gander at American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis--he does this better than any writer I've ever seen before.