Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Artist

As many of you know, I am currently searching for an agent for my serial killer novel. Below is what I'm using to try and hook their interest. I'd love your comments: what attracts you to the story? What is confusing? What do you need more info on?

Las Vegas homicide investigator, Corey Malone, whose talent usually couples perfectly with the justice system, discovers that she must go outside that system to catch an evasive serial killer known as The Artist. This psycho has made Corey’s hunt for him personal by targeting UNLV students who mirror Corey’s appearance. He poses the bodies and then calls her so she’ll be the first to witness his atrocities. When an email sent to the fourth victim is signed with Corey’s real name, she realizes that The Artist has fixated on her not because of some voyeuristic obsession, but because he knows her secret. And he has an accomplice to aid in the selection of the victims, Alexander Jacobson, who not only has the resources to skirt prosecution, but also a seemingly different motivation to destroy her.

After the fifth victim, new evidence gets Corey and her partner, Damien Smith, closer to The Artist and debilitates his accomplice’s ability to help him. In addition, Corey’s relationship with Damien becomes intimate and she begins to build a life with him and his teenage son. In order to regain control of the investigation, Alexander Jacobson threatens those close to Corey, forcing her removal from the case. But, Jacobson doesn’t want her off The Artist’s trail; he wants only her to find him. And he makes it clear that he’s willing to kill Damien and his son if she doesn’t. To save those she loves, Corey must stop The Artist and his accomplice, risking the revelation of a secret that will ruin her—if The Artist doesn’t kill her.

2 comments:

  1. Great! If I were an agent, I'd buy it.
    Two comments: 1) I'd suggest that the word "witness" in the first paragraph be changed to "discover"; 2) and I'd end the whole thing with the word "first": if The Artist doesn't kill her first.
    Otherwise, I'm in--hook, line, and sinker.

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  2. Hi Holly, it sounds like you've got a great story here! I've put my comments in caps, I'm not shouting ;). Hope this helps.


    Las Vegas homicide investigator, Corey Malone, whose talent usually couples perfectly with the justice system, discovers that she must go outside that system to catch an evasive serial killer known as The Artist. I FOUND THIS SENTENCE A TAD CONFUSING WITH THE REFERENCE TO 'TALENT'. AT FIRST I WONDERED IF IT WAS SOME SORT OF SUPERNATURAL TALENT. AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU'VE STARTED WITH YOUR HOOK. This psycho has made Corey’s hunt for him personal by targeting UNLV [IS THIS DETAIL NECESSARY? CAN YOU JUST CALL THEM STUDENTS? IF IT IS ESSENTIAL I'D SPELL OUT THE NAME] students who mirror Corey’s appearance. He poses the bodies and then calls her so she’ll be the first to witness his atrocities. When an email sent to the fourth victim is signed with Corey’s real name, she realizes that The Artist has fixated on her not because of some voyeuristic obsession, but because he knows her secret. YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE A BIT MORE INFO ABOUT THIS SECRET. I DON'T MEAN TELLING IT, BUT WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES FOR HER ARE IF IT CAME OUT, OR WHY SOMEONE WOULD TARGET HER OVER IT. JUST SAYING 'HE KNOWS HER SECRET' DOESN'T CREATE AS MUCH TENSION AS IT COULE. And he has an accomplice to aid in the selection of the victims, Alexander Jacobson, HOW DOES SHE KNOW HE HAS AN ACCOMPLICE? IF SHE KNOWS ABOUT THIS GUY HOW IS HE SKIRTING PROSECUTION? IF IT'S TOLD FROM HIS POV AS WELL, I'D SEPARATE THIS INTO ANOTHER PARA. who not only has the resources to skirt prosecution, but also a seemingly different motivation to destroy her.

    I THINK MOST IF THE INFO IN THE FOLLOWING PARA CAN BE CUT. IT'S GETTING A BIT TOO SYNOPSIS-Y, AND THE QUERY'S STRONGER WITHOUT IT. I'D KEEP THE INFO ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP BUT CUT THE PARA DOWN.
    After the fifth victim, new evidence gets Corey and her partner, Damien Smith, I THINK YOU CAN LEAVE DAMIEN'S NAME OUT closer to The Artist and debilitates his accomplice’s ability to help him. I'D CUT THE WHOLE PRECEDING SENTENCE. IT'S NOT CRITICAL TO THE QUERY. In addition, THIS FEELS VERY MECHANICAL. Corey’s relationship with Damien becomes intimate and she begins to build a life with him and his teenage son. In order to regain control of the investigation, Alexander Jacobson threatens those close to Corey, forcing her removal from the case. NOT SURE YOU NEED THIS INFO But, Jacobson doesn’t want her off The Artist’s trail; he wants only her to find him. And he makes it clear that he’s willing to kill Damien and his son if she doesn’t. IF DAMIEN IS ALSO A COP IS HE THAT VULNERABLE? To save those she loves, Corey must stop The Artist and his accomplice, risking the revelation of a secret that will ruin her—if The Artist doesn’t kill her.

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