Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Have No Idea What I Am Doing

Maybe someday I'll be "matched" with my prince.

Maybe there'll be peace in the Middle East.

As many of us single women, I am on several dating websites. Unfortunately, especially in this digital age, I am much better in person than I am online, so it not much is happening on that front.

I don't check in on these dating sites. I am being abnormally passive and am waiting to get an email that someone has "noticed" me, "sent me an ice-breaker," or "nudged me."

But, the other day I received an email notifying me that I've been matched with Odysseus.

Odysseus.  Really?

NOT the Odysseus with whom I was matched.

Of course, I get matched with the guy who will leave me to fight in a war over some other guy's woman, and then piss off the gods so that he is lost at sea for 20 years fighting monsters and committing adultery.

Why couldn't I get matched with Jay Gatsby? That guy is rich, handsome, looks good in a pink suit, and doesn't care if I want to act like a self-centered twit with no backbone.

Or what about Heathcliff? Why don't I get matched with that guy?

Rochester? (Oh wait, I don't do well with crazy exes. I bring enough of the crazy on my own.)

Romeo? (I'll have to register as a sex-offender.)

Jeez, dating is a bitch.

Marc Antony? I have a cat named Cleopatra--is that enough to lure him?

Lancelot? I'm down with a Lancelot + King Arthur + me threesome (Goddess bless Marion Zimmer Bradley.)

Edward Cullen even. (Okay, he is perpetually in high school, but being a high school teacher, so am I! We could get into some interesting role-playing). On second thought, I just threw up in my mouth.

With my luck, I'll probably get matched with Hamlet next. He'll shower me with affection, and then send me a zillion mixed signals, leave my ass, and finally declare his undying love when it's too late--but hopefully somewhere between me frolicking in the meadows like a loon and drowning myself.

Oh wait, I've already dated Hamlet.  A few times.

Please, comment on which characters you'd love to be "matched" with.


  1. When studying Shakespeare, my progressive professor (this was San Francisco after all) taught us "Romeo and Juliet," she argued that Juliet was a controlling bitch and Romeo was gay.

    Does Shakespeare have any emotionally available men?

    No more Hamlets for you!

  2. i haven't dated a lot of hamlets, but i've eaten a lot of burgers at hamburger hamlet.

    is that the same thing?

    i'm pretty sure it IS.

  3. i've already searched for him.

    he's gay.

    we stand NO chance.


Please validate my existence.